The Iola Register

Sensational Story.
Sophia Saunders searchingly scrutinized Sarah, scowling severely.
Stephen Smith-Sarah's suitor strong, splendidly sinewed, shapely Stephen, slept soundly.
Sophia spoke. She said Sarah should sell stale, stinking soles.
Stephen snored.
Sophia spitefully shook Sarah.
"Surrender!" said she.
Sarah screamed shrilly.
Stephen seeing sweet Sarah's situation, stealing stealthily, suddenly squeezed Sophia's side, saying, "Stop such silly squabbles, such stupid strife; stop striking Sarah."
She staggered.
"So," sneered Sophia savage Stephen sneakingly supports Sarah! Seek safety-skedaddle!"
Stephen smiling satirically said:
"Sarah shall sell stale soles, sweet Sophia, shall she?"
"She shall!" shrieked Sophia.
So saying, Sophia Saunders strode seaward, stalking stiffly, selecting sloppy, shingle spots. Slackening speed, she sat. Straightway she sentimentalized.
"See star-spangled sky, see sinking sun, see salt sea; see, Sophia Saunders, spinster, Sarah's sister, spurned, slighted, scorned. So Sarah supposes selling stale soles sinful! Sacre! She shall see."
She stood still some seconds solemnly sea-surveying. Suddenly she said:
"See Stephen so sneaking, so sanctimonious, so supremely stupid; see sister Sarah so sweetly seraphic, sweet Sunday school scholar, sublime sinner, see Sophia swim. Stephen, sister Sarah shall sell sweet soles so shall she starve."
Sarah shuddered.
Stephen sneezed.
Suddenly, Sophia sprang, screaming, splashing salt spray skyward.
"Save Sophia, Stephen! see, she sinks!" screamed Sarah.
"Scarcely, sweetheart," said Stephen, sullenly.
So Sophia Saunders sank.
Sophia's suicide saved Sarah selling soles so stale. She systematically sold sweet soles. She survived Sophia several summer seasons. Sometimes she sang sad songs softly, sorrowing Sophia's sad suicide. Still she stayed single, scornfully spurning Stephen Smith's soft speeches.
Boston Courier.