The Virginia Gazette

That NOTHING is SOMETHING; contrary to the common Opinion, which maintains that Nothing is Nothing.

It has been, hitherto, universally believed that Nothing is Nothing; which, upon a cursory Reflection, may appear quite otherwise.

There is Nothing in the World that makes a finer Figure than the Inhabitant. Nothing; it is every Where found, and yet resides no Where. The Citizen and Statesman, the Poet and Philosopher, and even the Divine, all make often a great Noise for Nothing.

I have read in the Histories of our Parliaments, Convocations, and a Diversity of other Meetings for deliberating on the most important and solemn Affairs, that, after spending much Time in sharp Contentions and Debates, Nothing in the End has been done or concluded. It is true they pretended to accomplish mighty Matters, by doing Justice to all Men, by fixing the publick Belief and Opinions in Regard to certain Things, and by discovering the Causes of Malversations and corrupt Morals; but all these Bravadoes terminated in Nothing.

I have seen a sage Philosopher keep Silence for a whole Evening, without assigning any other Reason than that he had Nothing to say.

Several of the wisest Men in the World, after long and diligent Researches for acquiring Knowledge, have been perfectly convinced that they knew Nothing. I have heard it said, that, under many of our Kings of England, there were Secretaries of State, and Lords of the Admiralty, that knew Nothing of the Business of their respective Departments; and I have been informed that some of our Kings have sent Messages to their Parliaments without knowing a Tittle of what was so sent; or, if they did, knew Nothing of the Matter.

I remember to have read, in some ancient Historian, that a brave old Lacedemonian General had been dismissed from his Employments for Nothing, and that another had been put in his Place who in himself was Nothing.

If Achilles, whom Agamemnon disobliged, had not been prevailed upon to return to the Army, the great Advantages the Greeks had obtained, in a ten Years War with Troy, would have come to Nothing.

In the Reign of James I. the great Sir Walter Raleigh was arraigned, condemned, and at length executed, though scarce any Thing was alleged, and Nothing proved deserving of Death against him. In the same Reign also, and in those of some of his Successors, many eminent and eloquent Patriots were sent to the Tower for Nothing.

This Phantom of Nihility is not less in Use among us than it was in the Time of our Ancestors; it seems its Value increases in Proportion to its Antiquity. Do we not constantly see, by our weekly Lists of Bankrupts, that those who owe the largest Sums pay as little as they can to their Creditors, and sometimes Nothing, and that those who keep Possession of usurped Goods use their best Endeavours to restore Nothing.

Some of our supercilious Criticks are continually exclaiming against the new Books that appear, that they have Nothing in them, or Nothing new. The same Inanity they find in our Poets, especially the Retailers of dramatick Compositions. Their Imaginations, they say, have been bewildered in Fairy Lands, or bewitched by Magick; and, if so, they embrace a Cloud instead of Juno, and just as Children, Slaves, and Malefactors, when punished, they have done Nothing.

Ah Nothing! that so significant Cipher, though at all Times generally esteemed, was never so illustrious as at present. And, indeed, we have often seen numerous Armies spend whole Campaigns in doing Nothing: Negotiations spun out to Nothing; Quarrels and Lawsuits engaged in for Nothing; Women married for Nothing; Divorces made for Nothing;

Protestations of Friendship reduced to Nothing; Arguments concluding Nothing; Oaths required for Nothing; People amusing themselves in Nothing; and a Thousand other Nothings, of like Nature.

But, to give a Specimen of the Grandeur of Nothing, suppose I should conceive it in the Way of an Enigma, leaving the Care to another of putting it in Verse. "Gentle Reader, I am not yet born; but, if you had a mind to know me, I am under you, I am over you, you can scarce imagine what I am. In the Purse I am a Devil: and, when I am, I am no more. I am the great Coffer of the World. My Nature was so fruitful that all was engendered by me. I am the inaccessible Immensity: I am the indivisible Point, and the Riches of a Beggar, as well as thine. What a Thief does on his Trial, what the Deluge respected, what serves to support the Skies, what a Bailiff's Fetter cannot be, what we do when we do Nothing, is, gentle Reader, my Name and Being."

The Explanation of this Enigma will show the Solution to be exceeding easy. "What is not could not be born. In vain, to know it, should we search above and below; it surpasses the Reach of our Imagination. Nothing in One's Purse is the Devil, and when Nothing is in it, it is good for Nothing. All is Nothing here below. The Nature of Nothing was very fruitful, as out of Nothing every Thing was created. It is the great inaccessible Space; it is the true indivisible Point; it is nearly my whole Wealth. A Thief protests before his Judge that he has done Nothing, and the Deluge formerly respected Nothing. Whoever mentions a Bailiff's Follower may think there is Nothing honourable in the Profession: and, notwithstanding Ovid's Fiction, that Atlas bears up the Heavens on his Shoulders, they are indeed supported by Nothing. The Fact is not problematical, and thus it seems demonstratively proved that Nothing is Something."