Martinsburgh Gazette

The Farrago.

No. 2, August 21. 1823.

Pareere personis, dicere de vitiis.

-The fatal dart

Sticks in his side, and rankles in his heart.

Dryden.

In our last (first) number, we ventured to promise some humour and amusement from one of our number The personage there alluded to, is neither more nor less than William, alias Will Whimble, Esq in importance the second member of our "tres juncti in uno." At our first meeting, the amiable and benevolent Evander, who is the third person mentioned in our introductory number, was called to preside. The object of our meeting was to ascertain the exact plan, according to which the Farrago is to be conducted in future Here, contrary to our confident expectations, we found the humourous old Will all on fire, to get a fair, unobstructed broadside at what he most ungenerously denominated the inferior part of creation. In examining into the cause of this feeling, so repugnant to his general character, as a noble-hearted and generous philanthropist, we found that in truth it is not without a reason that he is anxious now to avail himself of this opportunity of retaliating upon the other sex injuries received almost time out of mind; at least so far back, that no one remembers them except himself. This circumstance goes far to account for Will's wonderful mistakes about his age. These deep felt wounds are even now so fresh in his memory, that he is even under the impression that they happened but yesterday; at which time, he is well aware, that he was not yet out of his teens, so that he fairly infers, that he is not now much older: truly a very great mistake. In justification of his cruel determination, Will proceeded to lay before us a detailed statement of this case, which, as it will tend to illustrate a prominent feature in the character of this odd genius, we shall narrate in his own whimsical manner and words.

"To you, gentlemen, I must frankly confess, that a few years past (ascertained to be about the year '79, truly a very few years since) I did as cordially despise the Bachelors condition, as I now glory and exult in it.- Thrown into company, as I frequently was, where I could not but observe the refined joys of that state, which I then thought one of pure and unsullied happiness, I found myself perfectly unable to resist the desire of partaking its bliss Unconsciously I was led into deep and constant meditation upon the extatic pleasures of the domestic fireside. Already had I tasted, in delightful anticipation, the sweets of the justly enviable state of matrimony.- (From the words "justly enviable," thrown in here unawares, we may rationally conclude, that all desire of this nature is not yet extinguished in Will's bosom) About this time, I was invited to spend some time at the house of a friend of mine, then just married. Willingly did I accept the invitation; for I had already grown quite sentimental and impassioned, although I knew not what it was I loved. My friend, I have since thought, was not unaware of my situation, and accordingly undertook to do me a great favour, by inviting, at the same time, a large party of young ladies--among whom were several of good education, ample fortune, and the most fascinating beauty. Here I became forthwith completely overwhelmed, or at least, as the saying is, over head & ears in love. Being heir to a large estate, possessed of an elegant person, (very, indeed! he is as ugly as original sin) and not deficient in what is generally termed natural parts, (out on your egotism, Will), I thought the fairest of creation not beyond my reach. Accordingly, after a few days' acquaintance, I began to lay siege to a rich heiress, whose other transcendant excellencies are perfectly indescribable, at least by me. My approaches, at first, were moderate, uniform, and, as I thought, well conducted. In this, however, as will appear in the sequel, I was most miserably mistaken. Unskilled in the art of love, I betook myself anon to novel reading, purchasing and borrowing so many, that several of my friends confidently looked for a new one from my pen. Whatever I read of in fiction, that was lovely, I daily saw exhibited in real life. Not a gem sparkled in the high drawn character of the romantic heroine, but what was displayed with more resplendent lustre in the fascinations of the fair Leonora, for that was the name of my charming dulcinea. The sylph like form was hers. Jet black eyes, of diamond brightness, bestudded her marble forehead. Auburn ringlets streamed down her smooth, snow white neck. Golconda's ivory shown not more pure and untarnished, than her pare white, regularly disposed teeth. The gently undulating heavings of her soft bosom bespoke the ardent desires of a heart panting to be liberated from its sacred repository.- The melodious accents of her voice aspired to competition with the seraphs songs. In fine, she appeared to be clothed upon, with the panoply of every grace. (Here the good Evander smiled) Thus, gentlemen, have I described this wonder-work of creation-in order that you may see I have not been duped by any thing short of perfection. (Poor Will is still extremely weak when speaking on this subject, though master of almost every other) "Unhappy as I was when out of her company, I was not less so when in it. Her awful presence paralysed my every energy both of mind and body. -Perfectly at a loss how to proceed in this critical business, I resorted to a variety of expedients--all, however, alike unsuccessful. At one time summoning up all the self confidence I could possibly command, I ventured to enter upon the discussion of the merits of a particular romance, dwelling upon the last scene, in order to ascertain her sentiments upon that important subject which furnishes materials for the closing chapter of every novel. But alas! alas! what was the consequence? I was forthwith attacked with the most irresistible violence - Not a sentiment there expressed-not an allusion made-even, every turn of the narrative itself, "she had "more accurately treasured up in her memory, than ever churchman had his prayer book: and withal she seemed to expect me to be equally well stored in this kind of lore, for she poured forth her affected interrogatories, almost ad infinitum. After this first disastrous rencontre, I never more breathed a whisper about novels in her presence. "Again: Having understood that a large fortune is the most eloquent argument that can be urged by a supplicating suitor to a young girl of prudence and foresight, I began to avail myself of every opportunity to make her acquainted with the large patrimony of which I was shortly to be possessed. But even here, strange to tell, she was perfectly immoveable-so much so, that I doubt not even had his Satanic Majesty himself conducted her to the highest pinnacle in the Universe, and there displayed before her all the wealth, pomp and gaudy splendour of this terrene globe, at the same time exerting the highest strains of eloquence, with which he ever harangued his legions of fallen angels, or assailed the unwary ears of our mother Eve, still! believe verily he could not have prevailed upon her to unite with me in vinculo matrimonii. Again and again did I attempt, by various expedients, to win her affections; but all in vain. The idea of coquetry at last flashed upon my mind. I saw that my case was almost hopeless; still, like a dauntless hero, I determined to make one final desperate assault. Accordingly, at the appointed time, I appeared before her, with a fixed resolution (as I thought) to offer the fatal interrogatory. --She read desperation in my countenance, and was accordingly prepared for the attack. I stammered out the suffocating words. Blood and thunder! She laughed at me-it was all over. I retreated; how and where I know not, until, having arrived at my lodgings, I had discussed a full bottle of wine, by way of dissipating care Here then, gentlemen, in revenge for this tyrannical coquetry, I hold in my hand a paper, which I offer to your consideration, as constituting the first attack of a furious war fare, which I am resolved to wage against the whole race of coquetish prudes" (shame on thy rudeness, Will Whimble). Will proceeded to read the paper, which, in consideration of the justness of the remarks, and of its being very "apropos," we have concluded to publish- although, at the same time, it was resolved, that Will Whimble, Esq do henceforth refrain from writing any piece, relating, in any wise, to old maids or females in general.
VISIT TO A LADY'S LIBRARY.

Some two or three months since, circumstances led me to pay a visit at the house of a female friend, "with whom I was extremely anxious to become well acquainted; having heard that she stood among the first of the literati of our town. Appearing at her door, I was shewn into a small, neat parlour in the front part of the house, where I was permitted to remain at least a half hour before my friend made her appearance--for what reason, I have never been able to ascertain. However, as I understood from the servant, that in two beautiful mahogany cases, standing in one side of the room, was contained her ladyship's library, I set about amusing myself by examining their contents; and as it may not be permitted to every one to take so deliberate a peep into the private repositories of female learning, I shall lay before the public a short catalogue of the most conspicuous works found therein, which I noted down with my pencil on the spot.

Hume's England, in boards--the leaves not cut, except in the part that gives the history of Mary, Queen of Scots, and of the origin of the Order of the Garter. Dictionary for the explanation of hard words. The Comforts of Matrimony--well thumbed. The Beauties of Romance. A Work on Midwifery--To the honour of my friend, this work appears never to have been opened. Rights of Woman. How to Rule a Husband, by Madame la Termagant. Thompson's Seasons, which opened of itself at the place which describes the love adventures of Damon and Musidora. Four different Works on Cookery, together with the Baker's Chronicle. Monsieur la Fette's Lectures on Dancing, The Beatitudes of Matrimony. Don Juan--by Lord Byron. Together with an infinite variety of all manner of Novels, Romances, Tales, and Love Poetry, all of which shewed evident marks of having been much used In one corner was observed a bottle of Cologne water, lying upon an elegant gilt-bound prayer book: not a drop, however, was spilt In another, stood a large escrutoire, containing implements for writing; beside which, I observed so large a number of manuscript fragments, that I am half inclined to suspect my fair friend of book making. However correct may be these surmises, it is certain, that this is not the besetting sin of the fair sex generally. In another place, I observed what I supposed was a pile of splendid bound books. These, however, turned out to be nothing more than japanned tin boxes, well stored with a great variety of precious jewels, together with all manner of "Puffs, Powders, Pastes, Bibles, Bulletdoux" Miss E. Montier, for this is the name of my friend, was once, in her young days, a famous beauty; and, judging from the large magazine of love armour, which we here discovered, we may safely conjecture that, in her time, she has been the cause of no little mischief: But the day of her golden dreams has passed by, and she now finds herself in the free, full, and uninterrupted enjoyment of all the refined happiness of single blessedness. In a word, she is a prudish, moralising old maid." Peace to the memory of her departed glory; the very remembrance of her youthful days brings with it sorrow and melancholy.

WILL WHIMBLE, Esq.

N. B.--The good Evander promises shortly to furnish us with a number. We anticipate much pleasure from the soft, soothing melancholy which constitutes so prominent a feature in his character, and seems to breathe through all his thoughts.

*This never-to-be too much deprecated compound of lewdness and immorality, we shall notice more particularly in a future number.