The Ottawa Free Trader

HOME MATTERS.

PEPPER AND SALT.

Jo Watts considers himself "swindled community"-or, at least, he is mad enough for a whole village-his colt did not weigh 144 lbs, as the type had it, but 1414 lbs, as we wrote it. Nice little Jo, go slow, don't "blow" you know. .... We came near giving that new sidewalk, in front of Nattinger's, a puff; but on close examination we find it contains but a few new boards. So we retract on that "puff"—all except the new boards .... It may be fun for the boys to get crazy Tom started to run around the Court House square, or count a hundred against time; but as he has not a thimbleful of brains, we suggest to the boys that he is a poor subject to get fun out of....Saw several young ladies at the theatre 'tother night engaged in the dignified occupation of chewing gum. Some wagged their jaws with a vicious, vigorous champ, like restive horses; others came down on the tasteless "wad" with a reckless "don't care a durn" style; others, again, did it timidly, but enjoyed it very well, shutting their eyes and heaving deep and tremulous sighs, just as if they were imagining some handsome young man was kissing them in the dark; others minced the matter, so that unless you watched them closely, you could not catch them at it; others worked at it industriously, as if their lives depended upon it. Their grinders came together like those of a hungry porker eating corn, and slobbers ever and anon would run down from the corners of their mouths, and drop on to the floor in a most picturesque style-Oh! we do like to see ladies chewing gum. It is so dreadfully romantic and fearfully fascinating .... Saw a bouquet 'tother day made of tansy, burdock, gypsum weed, fire weed, cockle burs, dog weed, glass and pine shavings. A number of gentlemen presented to the popular restaurantist, P. Tisler, Esq., who feels large about it. He hasn't spoken to the generous bouquetists since....A druggist in our city found a $2 bill on the floor of his druggery lately. The only person who had been in recently was a lawyer; and the drugger went to hunt up the lawyer to give him the money. Strange to say, the lawyer refused to accept it, and it is on the druggist's hands. Did you ever? An honest lawyer. Now come on with your millennium.... Weather so dry about town last week that frogs had to come up to people's houses and ask for a drink....Some days last week, the thermometer stood as high as 95 degrees in the shade. Dobbs kept ours in the cellar, packed in ice, about "thim times." It cost him a dollar and he didn't desire to have it melted down....The new railroad is about to do a cash business-carry no more people to and from Streator to Ottawa free--as a proof of this, we saw a safe on the sidewalk, in front of the post office, marked "Young, Streator." Did it come here by mail? ....Rev. Father Terry has a couple of tame sand hill cranes. They stalk about his premises, march up and down the street, fight the dogs, bite pigs' ears, and do just about as they please. They are fully as independent, and almost as homely as we are....A fellow up town has a sign on a tree, in front of his house. The sign reads: "Don't hitch hear." We listened but didn't hear anything....Dry people find it handy to drop into Chris. Helfrich's and get a glass of beer .... "Do" Wilcox has the job of painting Reddick's new house. "Do" is doing all the painting in town, just now....Jo. Waits sold a horse lately that gained 56 lbs in four days....R. P. Hardin says his initials are not "F. A.," as we said last week .... Denhard's band has been reorganized. He went to Chicago one day last week and purchased a bran new set of instruments; all new from E-flat to heavy tuba. We shall expect some good music from this band. Boys, sound your "A" for us once? ....All East Ottawa was driven distracted, lately, because of an alarm that a prominent lawyer had gone crazy. Everybody rushed to the river, and there they saw the aforesaid law-ist, pants rolled up above his knees, rummaging around among the rocks in the river wildly floundering a garden rake. The fact was, the lawyer had seen a large catfish sunning itself in a shallow pool of water. Our attorney got a rake and "went for" the cat,-the cat, alarmed at the sinister expression of the lawyer's countenance, and not admiring his rake particularly, got disgusted and fled, hotly pursued by the excited disciple of Blackstone, in consequence of which there was a lively race, and much mirth on the shore when our legal friend returned, wet and muddy, but smilingly minus the fish, which, when last seen, was a quarter of a mile away, and rising on the surface from deep water, wiggled his tail at the point of his nose, just as bad boys do when they wish to say "No yer don't!" .... We are requested to give the weather fits for being so dry. Some one must have told the weather to "dry up," and it has done it.- Apropos of the weather, the shrewd observer of the weather who prophesied a severe frost to come off about this time, has postponed it "on account of the weather,"-it is too d---d dreadful hot We advise the weather prophet to "go slow" on the frost business.... Saw Louis Gagle making stone clocks, yesterday. They are very durable and seldom run down, and never require winding up. Louis is making a little pocket piece for his own use. It weighs 93 pounds....Schutt & McGinnis have surprised Beemus (that's us) with a sack of splendid family flour. It is tip top and we have bread to eat at our "shed" now....The Great Western Telegraph. H. Bliss Superintendent, Mitchell agent at Ottawa, sent a message through to San Francisco last week, a distance of 2300 miles; time, 2 hours and twenty minutes. That beats ".40." you know, just 20 minutes.... As an eggnogist Johnny Grove, at Tisler's, is a "wide boy." Try him.... We promised to give Prof. Denhard lessons on the violin, but were too busy to attend to it last week....Denhard's brass band will give a concert in Hoes' grove, on the 4th of July. Admission free. Beer five cents a thing full. Go, everybody....Prosper Tisler has done us proud. He gave us a mess of very nice fish,-there now....Henry Walther says he is prepared to entertain, with his ice cream, Sc., Van Amburg, on the 4th of July, or any other man....Mr. Field, south of Henry Howland's, has an arbor of splendid grapes. It is 120 feet long, and the grapes look well, but rain is badly needed. We have a mortgage on the biggest bunch of grapes he gets this season. Mr. F. offers $10 reward to any man who can pray loud enough on the rain question to be heard ....Lots of fun being "local." You get soda at Dimmick's, or Smith's, or Beck's, or Strawn & Powell's; and ice cream in a dozen places, and get off jokes on the boys, all free; and then you get licked, and are obliged to apologize or--. Every street in town contains a cantankerous enemy, and a few watch the alleys, armed with clubs, watching for that "villainous local" of the FREE TRADER. We have tendered our resignation papers, and hereafter intend to make a living by chewing gum....The "local" of the Republican refers us to his out side. Glad of it. What an awful spectacle his inside must be, judging by his outside....Our thermometer has been a foot high lately. If the weather keeps on hotting this way, we shall be obliged to put the thermometer in the cellar, on a cake of ice, and think we can keep cool ourself by taking off our flesh and sitting in our bones-the fact is, it is most essentially hot, and while we are writing this item great drops of perspiration spring out all over us, and a big fly is tickling our nose, and we are otherwise generally disgusted.