The Spirit Of The Age

THANKSGIVING.—A DREAM IN THE DAY TIME.

Like unto Sancho Panza, who invoked a blessing upon the ingenious moral that invented sleep, because it 'covered a man up like a cloak'—so is the devout benediction of a true bon vivant upon the inventor of Thanksgivings. Sancho's benefactor gives us all a cloak, and his antetype of modern times affords us lining, since a day is hereby set apart on which all good citizens may stuff themselves by the authority of the State. "Such was my reflection, as the Reverend Mr.----began an edifying discourse on that well-known anniversary fixed and consecrated in due form by the momentous document ending with 'God save the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.'

One goes to church on a Thanksgiving day with a light heart and a grateful soul, for he has a dinner—and both of excellence for this occasion; for if the former be not twice as well composed as common, it is pretty sure to be twice as long, which amounts to the same thing. The homily, with which I was regaled, happened to be of the latter character, and though I found the worthy divine's exhortations exceedingly good and apt to the purpose, I felt my eyelids weighed down by 'his seventeenthly' and 'eighteenthly;' in short before he had dispatched two dozen of his heads, and made a near approach to the improvement,' I was fast asleep.

And I dreamed a dream, and behold! a table set for a thanksgiving dinner, and there were gathered together from the four corners of the earth, all the materials of flesh, fish and fruits of the field, out of which the luxury of man deviseth to construct a hecatomb for gastronomic sacrifice. There were roasted turkeys smoking from the spit, and sputtering in their own gravy, these delectable words, 'Come bite me now—come bite me now!' There were plum-puddings, formidable as bomb-shells, rolling in capacious rotundity, rumbling with their effervescent contents like pent up volcanoes, ready to burst and discharge mouthfuls point blank into your face. There were canvas-back ducks, waddling about in majestic gravity, and entreating to be cut up. There were apple-pies trundling round the table, upon their edges, and begging some kind soul to put in his finger.—There were calves heads gaping to be looked into; neat's tongues that were all talk, and refused to be silent till they were slit; sheep's trotters eke attempting to kick up a row, &c. &c. &c.

While I stood gazing upon this attractive display of good things, and had just made up my mind to seize a knife and fork, and treat myself to one or two tit-bits, that seemed to be here going a begging, behold the several members of this goodly assembly, arranged themselves in regular files, and a voice in an authoritative tone proceeded from the upper end of the table—'Gentlemen, please to come to order.' This voice I presently perceived to have come from a venerable looking turkey, who rolled sideways out of the dish in which he had lain trussed and smoking from the spit, burst the packthread fetters that bound his clawless stumps, and mounted with great dignity, upon an enormous apple-dumpling, where he seated himself in state like the Chancellor of England on the woolsack. The meeting thus being organized, the Moderator delivered the following address—

'Gentlemen of the Thanksgiving Dinner—We are now assembled again on this anniversary, to take, into consideration the manifold and intolerable grievances which we have all been subjected to, by—this tyrannical and gluttonous practice of the Yankee nation. [Loud applause from the whole assembly.] Gentlemen, this terrible day continues to sweep off' yearly its thousands and tens of thousands of our unfortunate brother fowls and quadrupeds, and if it continues to be celebrated much longer, it is to be feared that the breed of turkeys may become extinct. It is time that a united effort may be made to preserve the gobbling race from destruction. [Cheers from all the tur-keys present.] Not only on us but on the devoted heads of the goose tribe also do the deeds of this evil day fall bloodily. [Hear! hear! from a green gosling.] Oh geese! will you suffer yourselves to be plucked forever? [A general hiss and cries No! no!) I call upon you also, ye ducks, to contribute your efforts to avert the general ruin! [Cries of 'quick! quick! quick!' from the ducks.]

The other members of this respectable assembly I would also appeal to, and remind them of their several individual wrongs. O fowls of the barn-yard! what henroost is sacred from the ravages of the fell destroyer? [Immense cackling among all the poultry] Oh harmless calves and sheep! are not your ranks thinned by the autumnal slaughterer who, unsatisfied with the delicacies of the feathered creation, adds even the enormity of head and pluck to his piles of preposterous luxury? [A general baa-ing.) And you, unfortunate sucking pigs! sweet emblems of innocence. How often do your lovely infant countenances cast a gleam of rueful despair at the inexorable jaws of the tin-kitchen, in which the horrible Thanksgiving Day dooms you to be 'cabined, cribbed, confined, and make more turns roundabout than a modern politician? [Hear! hear! from the pigs, accompanied with a general grunt of sympathy.] Friends, countrymen, and fellow-sufferers, favor us with your counsel. Ye valiant turkeys lift up your heads. Learned geese, display your wisdom.—Young ducks, quack defiance to the Governor's proclamation. And oh! sweet pigs! ye musical sons of thunder! set up your pipes and squeal a deafening chorus into the ears of the Massachusetts Executive Council, Down with that gorging hobgoblin, the genius of Thanksgiving day.' [Thunders of applause.]

The Moderator having concluded, an old gander arose and addressed the chair. 'Mr Moderator,' said he, 'give me leave to express my entire and cordial approbation of the sentiments you have uttered. This horrible day, is indeed, a day of mourning for the whole feathered creation. Seventy years have I witnessed its monstrous ravages, hoping fondly to escape the general proscription.—Alas, how vain my calculations! A week ago I was seized by a caitiff Roxbury farmer—may a drumstick choke him! and slaughtered for the Boston market. Behold me plucked of my plumage, and not so much as a tail feather left to wag in doleful dumps what ills is goose-flesh heir to!" Mr Moderator, I move that Thanksgiving be, and is hereby abolished.' [Great cheering among the Geese.]

Here a black duck arose and began to suggest doubts as to the efficacy of the measure proposed by his web-footed brother. It is useless, Mr Moderator.' said he, 'to waste time upon so nugatory a scheme as this. We have not a moment to spare, it being now within two hours of dinner time, for the sermon is at least half through, and I see through the window panes of yonder church a most multiverous and duck-devouring appetite, written in the faces of every mother's son in the congregation. Sir, we have not two hours to live. Let us adopt some decisive measure. Abolish Thanksgiving! a fiddlestick! What individual among the two-legged monster, will care for that: Such a project is worthy of the goose that hatched it.' [Loud cries of 'order! order!' from every part of the table.]

A gray squirrel then rose, scratching from his face the crumbs of pastry which had smothered him in a meat pie, and wiping his eyes with the end of his tail, spoke to the following purport:-

'Mr Moderator, as my friend the Black Duck says, this is a matter for action. We ought not to spend time in nibbling about the nut-shell, but strike at once into the meat and kernel of the matter.-How do I regret that any gentleman of this assembly should indulge in personalities. This is no place for private piques and party animosities. Let ducks and geese go amicably claw in claw, and paddle onward to the accomplishment of the great purpose. Allow me still to remark that the proposition of my respected friend the gander, is in my opinion hardly suitable to the present emergency." I hope that gentleman will display his motion. [Here loud murmurs arose from all the table, and cries of “Question! question!”']

A sucking pig then took the floor. It is the opinion,' said he, 'of many of my learned friends that we should use our endeavors to convert the Governor and council into Jews; for then' added he -with great feeling—'comes the day of deliverance for the swineish multitude. Under the Jewish dispensation, if the abomination of the Thanksgiving were continued, which I very much doubt, it would at least be attended with a prohibition of pork, in all shapes on the day. I propose, therefore, to' bring forward a motion for the conversion of the aforementioned dignitaries, in the first place, and the board of Boston Aldermen afterward.'

An oyster, who had hitherto remained snug and silent, now begged the indulgence of the assembly. He hoped to see something done for shell fish. The epicures of Thanksgiving Day had grown so absorbingly greedy that the oyster-soup had become a standing dish." The liberty of the seas were no longer inviolate. It was with the deepest melancholy that he informed the assembly he had it from the best authority that the city authorities had recently rescinded an ordinance prohibiting the sale of oysters during certain months of the year. 'No day of the three hundred and sixty-five,' continued he with great emotion, 'is a day of rest for us.' He was proceeding at some length, in the same strain, when he was called to order by a sheep's head, and reminded that he was digressing. A violent altercation ensued between the two members, and several hard words passed from one to another. 'The oyster told the sheep's head to give him none of his jaw; which the sheep's head retorted by desiring the oyster to shut up his clam-shell.

Order being at length restored, the Moderator called upon the standing committee to report their proceedings since the last anniversary meeting. A gray goose, whom I found to be Chairman of the Committee, then rose and read a report, stating that since they had the honor of sitting upon this important business, various circumstances had arisen to afford the most pleasing encouragements to the prosecution of the great enterprise in hand. 'Of late years'—the report went on to say—'the disorder, known by the name of dyspepsia, had increased to so remarkable a degree, as to cause great alarm among all people, both in town and country, and the aforesaid complaint was well known to be mainly caused by an over attachment to the dinner table. They had therefore the pleasure of informing the meeting that there were not only temperance societies without number in the land, but that meats as well as drinks, had now fallen under the ban of the big-wigs, and that there had actually been proposed, in the all-consuming city of Boston, an association entitled 'the Society for the Suppression of Eating.' Most overpowering thunders of applause from every part of the table.]

'The report having been read and accepted, and the thanks of the meeting being presented to the Committee for their meritorious services, the following resolutions were proposed and carried, nem con.

Resolved, That Thanksgiving Day is a grievance not to be borne.

Resolved, That the Society for the suppression of Eating, has our most sincere and hearty good wishes for its success.

Resolved. That each and every member of this assembly, whether turkey, fowl, duck, teal, widgeon, coot, calf's head, oyster, sucking pig lobster, plum-pudding, apple-dumpling, cranberry-tart, minced pie custard, or cream-cake, pledge himself and themselves, jointly and severally, to proceed forthwith, on the night of each Thanksgiving Day, and sit with overpowering weight, like unto a millstone, upon the conscience and stomach of the Governor of Massachusetts, the members of this society or the Executive Council, the Mayor of Boston the board of Aldermen, and every individual whose rotundity of the outward man showeth token of dinner-eating propensity—giving unto all and singular aforementioned, a perennial fit of the nightmare, until Thanksgiving Day be abolished. Resolved moreover, that every minister who shall read the Governor's proclamation for Thanksgiving. be considered as coming within the above mentioned penalty.

'These resolutions being engrossed and put to the vote, the Moderator declared the meeting adjourned; when, me thought the table burst into confusion—turkeys, geese, puddings, pies, all began to dance about, like mad, and a calf's head jumped up from a pewter dish, and gave me a sharp bite by the ear.

I awoke and found the sermon done, and the people going out of church. A waggish boy, passing by, had twitched me by the ear, and roused me from my dream; but for this, I should have suffered the greatest catastrophe which can befall a knight of the trencher—that of losing his dinner on Thanksgiving Day!