The Virginia Gazette

Mr. Parks,

I see by your last Gazette, you have obliged the People call'd Quakers, by publishing their Petition to the Assembly, to be exempted from paying Parish Levies: I hope therefore you'll publish the following Composition for making a Quaker, and you'll oblige many of your Readers, as well as your humble Servant,

W. W.

Instructions how to make a perfect QUAKER.

FIRST, take a handful of the Herb of Deceit, and a few Leaves of Folly, and a little of the Root of Vain-Glory, with some of the Buds of Envy, and a few Blossoms of Malice, with a few Formality Flowers, and a Sprig or Two of idle Conceit; take some of the Seeds of Pride, and some of the Seeds of Hypocrisy, and some Seeds of forbidden Pleasure, and some of the Bark of Self-Will, and put them altogether into a Mortar of Defiance, and pound them with a Pestle of Head-strong Wood: Also take an Ounce of Ill-Manners, and Three Quarters of an Ounce of Cheat-Seed, a good Quantity of the Roots of Ambition, and the Pith of Self-Conceit, together with some Plumbs that grow on Runagate Hill, and some of the Grapes that grow in the Suburbs of Sodom, and some of the Spice of Babylon: and then take these Twenty Sorts, and stew them altogether in a stony-hearted Jugg, over the Fire of cold Zeal, and pour in a little of the Water of Wild Fountain; and when they are all immured and soaked together enough, grate in a little Folly Powder, and strain it through a Cloth of Vanity, and suck every Morning thro' a Spout of Ignorance, and in a little Time it will raise the Spirit, and you will quake, and shake, and smite on your Breast, and so you will become a perfect Quaker.