The Virginian

MISCELLANY.
THE FAMILY DINNER.
A Sketch from life in Vienna.
'I wish you would come and dine with me some times in a friendly way,' said, continually to me, a young man whom I used to meet at the coffee houses and the theatres, and who fastened himself upon me in every place, offering me civilities which I did not feel much inclined to accept. He was just such a person as we see hundreds of every day; and therefore I shall not describe him more particularly, lest my readers should fix upon some one of their acquaintance as the original of the portrait. 'You must,' said he, 'come to my house, and be acquainted with my wife--there are not ten like her in the whole world; and my children too-- though I say it who should not say it-- such children as mine are real blessings. I must show you how I live. I am the happiest master of a family alive, and a proper example for young men who don't like matrimony. Come and dine with me once. We shall treat you without ceremony, and give you only a family dinner; but I will answer for it you will be pleased.'
Although I am by no means averse to splendid tables, sumptuous viands, and numerous guests, yet there is nothing I enjoy more than a quiet family dinner, particularly when invited by an old friend, for the purpose of having a little tranquil conversation. It is refreshing to the mind, to leave for a few hours the great world, to be a transient partaker of the unostentatious pleasures of domestic intercourse-and in such circumstances, a glass of old Rhenish tastes better than the Bourdeaux, Sauterne, and Champagne at tables where I hear no conversation but that relative to the opera of yesterday, and see nothing but artificial faces, and still more artificial manners. I met my above mentioned friend in the street a few days ago. The moment he saw me he ran up to me, laid hold of my arm, and asked me where I was going. 'To dinner,' was my reply. 'Good! good!' replied he: 'now I have caught you, I shall not let you go; you must take a family dinner with me.' It was in vain I pleaded a prior invitation as an excuse--my too hospitable friend would not admit of it, and I was obliged to follow. I consoled myself with thinking that perhaps I might fare better than I expected, and that my host might really have a pleasant wife, well-behaved children, and a good table.
We reached the house, which was in the suburbs, and ascended to the third story. As we went up stairs we were greeted by the noise of children, crying and fighting. 'Ah!' said my conductor, laughing, 'do you hear my little darlings? The poor sweet fellows are hungry, and have been waiting for me.' How, thought I, if the little darlings make as much noise during our dinner, I shall have to repent my weakness.
We knocked: a thin sallow-faced woman opening the door, and on seeing me started back, with marks of no very agreeable surprise. 'My dear,' said my host, 'this is Herr C--, my friend whom I have so often mentioned to you. He is going to take his chance with us to-day of a family dinner.' The lady's long visage became still longer at these words; she made me a courtesy which resembled a contortion of anger, and drawled out, 'Happy to see you,' in so gloomy a tone, that it sounded very much like 'I wish you were hanged.'
Nothing can be more unpleasant than to feel ourselves unwelcome in houses whither we came against our inclinations. I wished myself ten miles off; but my new acquaintance said 'Now let us leave the mistress to make her preparations.' and led me into an adjoining room, to shew me his dwelling. 'I have not many apartments,' continued he, perfectly self-satisfied, 'but every thing is neat and orderly.' I was then obliged to stoop into a cabinet, which two little dirty brats seemed to have been turning topsy-turvy. The floor and furniture were covered with snips of paper, pictures, knives, spoons, and toys of all kinds. 'This is the only true happiness --to be a father!' said my host, while he cleared a chair to offer it to me. 'Hey, Charles! Louis! come and ask the gentleman how he does.' 'Isn't he?' said Charles, and the father whispered in my ears, 'Full of spirit? quite a character--Come to me directly,' continued he to the boy, somewhat more severely. The boys laughed, and remained still. The father went and pulled them towards me by the ears, assuring me all the time of their obedience. 'Now Charles have you learned your lesson? repeat your fable.' The boy muttered--
'I was resolved one day to go,
To see the wild beasts at the show.'
and ran off directly to his play. 'Very well,' said the father; 'now is your turn, Louis. Ah! you shall see the boy's genius: he says such things; they are quite surprising. Tell me Louis what is the greatest wonder in the world?' 'A mince-pie!' answered the boy pertly. The father laughed long and loudly. 'Did I not say so? you did not expect such a witty answer, did you? I shall bring him up to politics.'
At last the pale-faced mistress thrust her head in at the door, squeaked out, 'Dinner's ready!' and immediately shut the door again with a bang. 'Dinner, dinner!' bawled the children, and rushed out of the room before us. We followed and the father placed me at table between his two sprouts, telling me they would amuse me in a thousand different ways. A great spaniel immediately began pawing me to beg something of me, and a starling jumped down on the table, and hopped from plate to plate; while the lady handed me a cup, which would have been white but for the service it seemed to have rendered to more than one predecessor.
Mamma helped the soup, which proved too little salted. Papa took notice of this in the following polite remark:-- 'My Julia is as sparing of her salt in her soup as in her words.' Julia was accordingly obliged to rise from table to fetch the salt, which had been forgotten. She excused herself, saying, that her servant had been away all day attending a sick mother. 'That's a fib,' cried Charles, 'we have not had a servant here three weeks.' A smart rap on the knuckles with a spoon rewarded his comment--he began to bellow, and would not be quiet till mamma gave him a bit of sugar-candy, which he sucked instead of soup. 'You must excuse our fare,' said the lady; then turning to me, and offering me a dish of vegetables with a fried sausage in it, 'I did not know my husband intended bringing a guest home--but he is always playing me such tricks.' I coloured up to the eyes. 'Hey! what!' said the husband. 'Oh friends will make allowances; Herr C--- will, I know, enjoy this familiar dinner.' The lady answered him with a most angry glance.
The family dinner consisted of thin water soup, thickly powdered with saffron, some radishes, and a little bit of butter, so small that the children clamoured in vain for their allowances of it to their bread; next followed beef, in which my eyes looked in vain for fat; then appeared the sour krout, warmed up for the second time with a single sausage; and at last a dish in which I could discover nothing but sauce. 'This is a fricasseé-chicken,' said my amiable and agreeable host. 'My wife has no equal in cooking it.' I rejoiced at first in the hopes of getting something I could eat; but after fishing a long time in a sea of liquid, I could only bring up one chicken's drum-stick. My host kept urging me to drink, with assurance that his wine was not strong, but had a very rich flavor, and was perfectly innocent. I took his word readily enough for the last qualification, as the taste led me to suspect that my economical landlady had made two bottles out of one.
My charming neighbors annoyed me not slightly during the dinner--Charles amused himself with kicking my shins under the table, and Louis, with imperturbable coolness, wiped his fingers upon my clothes. The catastrophe of the family party at length approached: Charles, in endeavoring to take a bone which his brother was gnawing, knocked down his own plate, and spilled the greasy water, which was substituted for gravy, over my new blue coat. Mamma instead of assisting me, began to bewail her broken plate, and ran after the child to beat him, while he took refuge behind his father: the father rose to appease his wife--the dog howled--Louis grinned--Charles screamed--the lady scolded--and the starling quietly perched himself upon my head, and began pecking my hair.
At last my friend resumed his seat, and said laughing:--'This you see, my friend, is my way of life; and I feel myself more happy under my lawful roof than a king in his palace.' He asked me if I was accustomed to taking coffee after dinner; for though there was none ready, he had a machine which would make it in five minutes. I thanked him, saying that coffee made me ill, that I had taken a most excellent dinner, and was obliged to go. 'Farewell, then,' said my friend; 'I hope I shall see you again soon. You know the way to my house now--you know my family, and the fashion we live in--as it is to-day, so it is every day; I hope you will often come and take a family dinner;' but I hastily seized my hat, muttered some compliments, ran out of the door--and shudder still at the recollection of the Family Dinner.
[Lon. Lit. Gaz.