Phenix Gazette

LETTER FROM MAJOR DOWNING.
[From the New York Daily Advertiser.]
Rip Raps, 17 Aug. 1833.

My Good Friend - "The Government" will leave here on Saturday, so you must tell all our friends to stop sending any more letters here. - We go straight to Washington, to put things to rights there for winter.

I and the General have got things now pretty considerable snug; and it is really curious to see how much more easy and simple all the public affairs go on than they did a spell ago, when Mr. Adams was President. If it warnt for Congress meetin we cou'd jest go about pretty much where we pleas'd. and keep things strait too; and I begin to think now with the General, that arter all, there is no great shakes in managin the affairs of the nation. We have pretty much all on us ben joggin about now since last grass; and things are jest as strait and clear now as they was then. - The General has nigh upon made up his mind, that there is no use to have any more Congress. They only bother us - they wou'd do more good to stay at home, and write letters to us tellin what is goin on among 'em at home. It would save a considerable sum of money too; and I'm also sartin that there is a plagy raft of fellows on wages that dont earn nothin. "Howsoever, we are goin on makin things more simple every day; and we once and a whiie knock off a pretty considerable num ber of cogg wheels and trunnel beads.

The General says he likes things simple as a mouse trap.

But what I like most is, he wont have no one about him who outranks me; so there is me, and Major Barry, and Major Smith, and Major Earl. and Major Donaldson, and Major Lewis, and Major Eaton; - and the major part of a pretty considerable of a man to do the printing, and tell the folks where we be, and once and awhile where the land sales and contracts be too. There is enuff on us to do all thats wanted Every day jest arter breakfast, the General lights his pipe, and begins to think pretty hard, and I and Major Donaldson begin to open letters for him; and there is more than a bushels every day, and all the while coming. We dont git through more than a bushel a day; and never trouble long ones, unlessthey come from Mr. Van Buren, or Mr. Kendall, or some other of our great folks. Then we sort 'em out, jest at Zeakel Bigelow does the mackrel at his Packin Yard, for there are plagy many more sorts than he finds among fish, we only make three sorts, and keep 3 big baskets, one marked "not read," another "read, and worth nothin," and nother red, and to be answered."

And then all the General has to do is to say "Major, I reckon we best say so and so to that." and I say "jest so," or not, as the notion takes me - and then we go at it.

We keep all the Secretaries, and the Vice President, and some District Attornys, and a good many more of folks, and Amos Kendall, moving about; and they tell us jest how the cat jumps. And I said afore. if it wornt for Congress meetin once a year, we'd put the Govern. ment in a one horse waggon and go jest where we like.

The General was amazingly tickled tother day. Peleg Bissel - (you know Peleg. who is all the while whittin, and sawin, and makin clocks, and apple parers, and churns, and lives nigh Seth Sprague's School House, Downingville,) well, Peleg sent the General a new churn of his own invention; and he calls it the "Jackson Churn," he wants a patent for it. The cute critur says, in his letter to the General, that that are churn is jest like His Government - its ony got one wheel, and a stnasher, and that it will make more butter than any other churn, and out of eny most any thing. The General is so well pleased with it, he will set and turn it nearly all day. Says he, "Major, I like this ere churn amazingly, that Bissel is a knowin fellow. If that churn had been made bv Congress, it would have more than 50 wheels and springs, and make no more butter arter all. Major," says he "tell Peleg I thank him; and send him a patent."

And so I did; and I telled him in the letter, that the General would keep his churn in the hall of the White house, to let folks see that it did'nt require as many cog wheels to make butter, as they think on; and when they come up chamber, in the Cabinet Room, and find ony me and the President, they'll understand it the better. When the General come to sign this letter. "well" says he, Major, that's just what I was thinking on.

We get every day an everlastin batch of letters from Mr. Van Buren & Amos Kendall, and they are so plagy jagged, that we cant make 'em fit exactly with some others, eny most as jugged, from the South and West, and all from our folks too. One wants one thing, and one wants tother. Some of our folks down South say, if the Bank is put down, we shall all be split up into splinters there. And jest so, ony tother way, they say, we shant find in a week any of our foiks north if the Bank is rechartered, and some talk of the Nullifiers in Georgia going for Mr. Van Buren, and that we must look out sharp, and not do nothin agin 'em. And some say that are tower of Mr. Webster away West, and his speeches, bother some on 'em plagily. I was a little stumped for a spell myself; and I tell'd the General, says I "General, if you expect me to satisfy all these folks, you're mistaken, we cant do u," says I. "Well then," says he, "we must send for Mr. Van Buren." This kinder nettled me, and says I, General, you ha'nt forgot that are churn already. - "no, no," says he, "we'll stick to that Major."

"Well then," says I "do you think that Mr. Van Buren will use that are churn? he keeps his bread buttered," says I, "by more wheels than that are churn's got." "Well Major, says the General, "he is a plagy curious critter, arter all - he'll make a wheels turn sometimes right agin one another, yet he gits along - and when he lets his slice fall, or some one nocks it out of his hand, it always some how falls butter side up" - "well." says I, - "General, dont you know why? " not exactly," says he, "Major" - "well," says I, - "I'll tell you - he butters both sides at once," says I. The General drew his face all into a rumple for about a minute, and then he snorted right out.

The General talks of goin to the Hermitage next spring - he says he thinks he has done enuf for the country - and I think so too - he says I may go along with him or stay and lend Mr. Van Buren a hand - we'll say somethin about this in the Message.

Yours as before
J. DOWNING. Major
Downingville Militia, 2d Brigade.