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Story
September 5, 1898
The Morning News
Savannah, Chatham County, Georgia
What is this article about?
Satirical dispatches from fictional Spanish-American War generals (Germ, Bacteria, Microbe) to General Distress, reporting absurd non-victories and incompetence against U.S. forces, written by George Hobart for Baltimore American.
Clipping
OCR Quality
95%
Excellent
Full Text
Dispatches From the Front.
George Hobart in Baltimore American.
Playa de la San Dunes, (Delayed in Admission). Aug. 31. - General Distress, Commander in Chief: - Sir: I have the honor to report that the army under my command isn't doing a thing - not a thing - to the American forces. I have instructed my officers to form their men in skirmish order and attack the enemy when they least expect us. Seventeen regiments of our youngest fighters are now ambushed in a well, and what they will do to the enemy will be an amazing plenty. General Red Tape has been in command of the enemy's forces, and we like him immensely. He doesn't know it, but he has been of wonderful assistance to us in winning victories. Yesterday I sent a detail to attack a cake of ice, but, unfortunately, we found General Red Tape and staff sitting on it, and we were compelled to retire. However, the ice melted before General Red Tape and staff woke up, so it's all right.
(Signed,
General Germ,
Commanding.)
Campa Chuckemover, Aug. 31. - General Distress, Commander-in-Chief - Sir: I have the honor to report that the forces under my command have won a signal victory over the American troops. A week ago I detailed seven battalions of our best fighters to occupy and hold the water buckets, which duty they performed with gratifying results. The weather continues favorable for our campaign. Volunteers are joining our ranks in wonderfully large numbers every day. My troops are enthusiastic, and have adopted as their battle-cry, "Remember the Cinch!"
(Signed)
Brig. Gen. Bacteria,
Commanding.
Campa Anyoldplaza, Aug. 31. - General Distress, Commander-In-Chief. - Sir: I have the honor to report that the forces under my command are working heroically against the enemy. We are encamped all around them. Thanks to the efficiency of our scouting parties, we have been enabled to make some wonderfully effective sorties. Fort Appetite has fallen, and we have a large number of prisoners. There is a rumor in camp to the effect that our success is in a great measure due to the tactics of General Incompetence. Who is this General Incompetence? Is he coming to supersede me? If so, sir, I have the honor to throw a hint in your direction, sir, that I will hunt up a newspaper man and publish all the correspondence.
Respectfully,
(Signed)
Maj. Gen. Microbe.
Commanding.
George Hobart in Baltimore American.
Playa de la San Dunes, (Delayed in Admission). Aug. 31. - General Distress, Commander in Chief: - Sir: I have the honor to report that the army under my command isn't doing a thing - not a thing - to the American forces. I have instructed my officers to form their men in skirmish order and attack the enemy when they least expect us. Seventeen regiments of our youngest fighters are now ambushed in a well, and what they will do to the enemy will be an amazing plenty. General Red Tape has been in command of the enemy's forces, and we like him immensely. He doesn't know it, but he has been of wonderful assistance to us in winning victories. Yesterday I sent a detail to attack a cake of ice, but, unfortunately, we found General Red Tape and staff sitting on it, and we were compelled to retire. However, the ice melted before General Red Tape and staff woke up, so it's all right.
(Signed,
General Germ,
Commanding.)
Campa Chuckemover, Aug. 31. - General Distress, Commander-in-Chief - Sir: I have the honor to report that the forces under my command have won a signal victory over the American troops. A week ago I detailed seven battalions of our best fighters to occupy and hold the water buckets, which duty they performed with gratifying results. The weather continues favorable for our campaign. Volunteers are joining our ranks in wonderfully large numbers every day. My troops are enthusiastic, and have adopted as their battle-cry, "Remember the Cinch!"
(Signed)
Brig. Gen. Bacteria,
Commanding.
Campa Anyoldplaza, Aug. 31. - General Distress, Commander-In-Chief. - Sir: I have the honor to report that the forces under my command are working heroically against the enemy. We are encamped all around them. Thanks to the efficiency of our scouting parties, we have been enabled to make some wonderfully effective sorties. Fort Appetite has fallen, and we have a large number of prisoners. There is a rumor in camp to the effect that our success is in a great measure due to the tactics of General Incompetence. Who is this General Incompetence? Is he coming to supersede me? If so, sir, I have the honor to throw a hint in your direction, sir, that I will hunt up a newspaper man and publish all the correspondence.
Respectfully,
(Signed)
Maj. Gen. Microbe.
Commanding.
What sub-type of article is it?
Military Action
Curiosity
What themes does it cover?
Deception
Misfortune
What keywords are associated?
Satirical Dispatches
Military Parody
General Incompetence
Spanish American War
Absurd Victories
What entities or persons were involved?
General Germ
General Red Tape
Brig. Gen. Bacteria
Maj. Gen. Microbe
General Distress
General Incompetence
Where did it happen?
Playa De La San Dunes, Campa Chuckemover, Campa Anyoldplaza
Story Details
Key Persons
General Germ
General Red Tape
Brig. Gen. Bacteria
Maj. Gen. Microbe
General Distress
General Incompetence
Location
Playa De La San Dunes, Campa Chuckemover, Campa Anyoldplaza
Event Date
Aug. 31
Story Details
Three satirical military dispatches from fictional generals reporting absurd and ineffective actions against American forces, emphasizing incompetence and fake victories.