The New Hampshire Gazette And Historical Chronicle

To the PRINTER.

SIR,

Barber's Shop is the Fountain Head of Politics: For the most grand Deputations upon the Conduct of our Superiors are most judiciously held, and the most learned Arguments most nobly supported, whilst the Towels, Napkins, Basons, Soap, Combs, Powder, Razors, Razor-Strops, and Blocks, are busily employed in the respective Duties of their Office. I had, the other Day, unhappily an Occasion to wheel into a new Council Room, the Lord of which was a Scotsman, and whom I had not the Honour to be acquainted with; where Mr. W--- was the grand Topic:--But alas! the poor Man was so terribly used, that, in tender Pity to his blasted Name, I presumed to speak a little in his Defence and Favour.

"This here W--- (says one) is a very great Scoundrel"-"Aye, that's what he is (says another); he did the Nation a deal of Hurt, by dispersing them there Papers about the Tomb--"Aye, (cries a fourth) --and he don't love his Life."--Hang him, (cried the Barber) I say,--and all them that don't b---g him."

Pray, Mr. Barber, Says I, take Care of the Pimple under my Nose.--Mr. W--- is a very honest worthy Gentleman; he has acted with a truly British Spirit, and has rendered his Name immortal. True Englishmen adore him; Irishmen love him; Frenchmen dread him; and e'en Scotsmen--detest him.--

Whereupon my poor Pimple immediately fell a Sacrifice to his Razor.--Being extremely angry, I rose from the Chair, and cried, "Sirrah, you have cut my Nose."--"I know it, (replied the impudent Rascal,) and I had a great Mind to cut your Throat." --Fired with Revenge, Rage, Fury, and Resentment, I box'd his Ears;--and then, being only half-shaved, sat cooly down again, and ordered one of his Men to finish; but the insolent Puppy swore, that neither of his Men should finish. I then looked round for my Hat and Wig, but could find neither: Some of the grave Politicians had taken proper care of them.--I then begg'd of them to restore me my just and lawful Property--but all was in vain. --Thus situated, I ran out of the Shop bareheaded, and with my Face only half shaved; and in five Minutes had five Hundred Boys at my Heels, bellowing out, --A Madman --a madman.--I twice endeavoured to get Refuge in a Public-House,--but could not --and then call'd a Coach,--but what Coachman would take in a Madman?--I got whipp'd indeed as I pass'd by them, Finding no Relief could be obtained, I continued the Chase: --It was lucky that I did; for, by running about two Hundred Yards farther, Fate kindly smooth'd the Frowns of Fortune; and, at a Small Distance, amid the rude Rabble, I happily beheld Constable Dick Snip, the Butcher of Butcher-Row, and immediately calling out to him, the worthy Wright ran nimbly to my Assistance, and taking me in his Arms, roars out--Wilkes and Liberty, and my Master's,-- for ever.--Constable Dick, by thus mentioning my Name, did me vast Service: For many of the Mob, though unacquainted with my Person, in such a Condition, were not unacquainted with my Name; and therefore thought proper to march off:--My dear Constable Dick, says I, leaning upon his Shoulders,--you see what a Situation I'm in.--I have been most shamefully used by a --. Barber, and an English Mob:-- Prithee read the Riot Act.--That's what I will, says Dick, feeling for it in both his Pockets.--O dear! cry'd the Constable--if I han't left it at home, may I be shot-- aye, that's what I have--wrapt it up in an old Rag, under the Shoe-brush, upon the Mantle-piece.-- However, the Constable happening to have his Small Staff with him, he lugg'd it out, and thus addressed the Mob :--

"Gentlemen and Ladies:

I have not got the Riot Act; I wish I had-- I have left it at home upon the Mantle-piece. But I can assure you, that if you don't let this here Gentleman alone, and go about your Business--I'll take all of you up, and commit you to Prison.--I am a Constable--that you may see by my Staff--o you had better depart--or it will be the worse for you.-- God save the King." -

The very next Day the Constable and I went with a Warrant, to take up the Barber, who, upon our entering his Shop, threw Powder in our Eyes, and then turned us both into the Street.--Now, where the Blind led the Blind, or what became of us afterwards, Mr. Printer, I really cannot tell, for while we were crawling along the Streets, that odious animal, which we distinguish by the Name of B--U--G, happened to be crawling a-cross my left Cheek, which immediately put an End to my D-R-E-A-M.-

But, pardon me, Sir, for having thus so long kept you in the Dark. I ought to have informed you at first, that it was a Dream.--However I will not, another Time, be so heedless.

Yours, till Doom's-day,

SYPHAX