Jenks' Portland Gazette. Maine Advertiser

For this Gazette.

THE WAY TO KEEP IN.

IT is generally expected, that all the federal republicans who hold offices under the United States, will be dismissed after the necessary arrangements for this purpose shall have taken place between the President, Tom Paine, & the gallows-cheating Irishmen at head quarters.--As some of these officers have grown old in their country's service, it may not be convenient for them to be suddenly reduced to beggary.--These may probably save themselves from so distressing a calamity, by subscribing and forwarding to the President, a declaration of the following import:

That there is no God or twenty Gods, "more or less" as the case may require-

That Washington was entitled to the "fairest page" in the history of his country; or that a son of Belial ought to be paid for endeavoring to stain his memory, by the poison and filth of Virginia patriotism--whichever may best serve the views of the great man of the people-

That Tom Paine's precepts, emitted from the jails of London, or raked out of the kennels and gutters of Paris, are in all respects preferable to those of that system which has "brought life and immortality to light"-

That a whiskey Insurgent is the only proper man to be intrusted with the treasures of the United States-

That the Worcester Farmer has a profound reverence for the religion of his Cathers; - that he never published any lies about the Berceau; -and that the Southern democrats (especially the mammoth democrats) believe him to be a man of great science in political, commercial and national law

That the Secretary of War, can write his mother tongue; -that none of his children are supported by the government ;and that he can make a lengthy and accurate report upon the state of the army and garrisons-

That the bogs of Ireland, are the best places for hatching patriots; -that such patriots only, ought to be the keepers of the constitution and liberties of America; -that a national ship ought to be constantly employed to import them; - and that Nancy Dawson ought to be the master of ceremonies at their introduction to the court of Monticello--

That since Matthew Lyon has moved to Kentucky, there is not a man of talents, education, or fashion in all the Eastern States, excepting Phaneul Bishop-

That the industrious yeomanry of New-England are a pack of dray horses, unworthy of the refined enjoyments of whiskey and democracy : and that the fruits of their labor ought to be applied to the payment of the private debts of the Fox hunters, Bankrupts, and Debauchees of Virginia--

That the dignity of Washington in his deportment as the chief of our nation, was degrading to universal man; -and that the best way to revive the expiring credit of our country, is, for the President to hold his levee, and give audience to foreign ministers with a long beard and in a dirty shirt

That no true patriot, either American or Hibernian, ought to cease his energies, to destroy the constitution, 'till his virtuous labors shall have rendered the United States equal to the paradise of Mahomet, where

" Love is liberty and nature law."

Let such as wish to hold their offices (especially those whose conduct has been entirely irreproachable) sign the above articles of faith, accompanied with their promise to adhere to them; and they will doubtless be continued in office. But should any of them apostatize, we recommend to the President, before he abandons them as incorrigible, to give them fair warning of their danger, by adopting, mutatis mutandis, the following form of a letter from Queen Elizabeth to one of her Bishops:

"I understand you are backward in

" complying with your agreement.

" But I would have you know that I

" who made you what you are, can

" unmake you : and if you do not forthwith

" fulfill your engagements, by

" G--d I will immediately unfrock

"you.

Yours as you demean your-

" self. n*

* Hume, Vol. 4, p. 180.