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Literary
December 9, 1886
The Stark County Democrat
Canton, Stark County, Ohio
What is this article about?
In this satirical short story, Ernestine McGoozlam rejects Colonel D'Aubignac's proposal due to his modest pension, preferring a wealthy younger suitor. Two years later, she faints upon learning her mother has married the colonel, who outmaneuvers her in love.
Clipping
OCR Quality
98%
Excellent
Full Text
KNOCKED OUT.
Tale of Pure Modern Mercenary Love.
CHAPTER I.
It was evening in the home of Ernestine McGoozlam, and it was also evening in the homes of her neighbors for several miles around.
Ernestine was waiting for the arrival of Col. D'Aubignac, who, in the vocabulary of the race track, for he once owned a horse, was "aged," that is to say, gentle reader, he was past 5 years old. Indeed, he was about 47 years old and forty-seven weeks past it, but of that more anon.
Finally he came.
When the colonel came in he at once proceeded to business.
"Dearest Ernie," he remarked, with pathetic sweetness, "am I to have my answer to-night—The answer that will make me the happiest man in Pittsburg, Allegheny county, Pa.?"
"You are to have your answer, colonel," she replied, disengaging her hand, "but I can't say how happy it will make you."
"Nor can any tongue express it," he said, slapping his hand on his heart with the vehement emphasis of a trip hammer dropping on a wad of red-hot iron. "Tell it me," he continued, "tell it me!"
"You talk like a three-dollar-a-week Romeo on the variety stage, but I'll let you have it," she said. It is this: "I cannot marry you. You are not wealthy. Your pension is only $4 a month. I am not wealthy, and I have no pension. I am my mother's sole support, and the $10,000 she has in real estate gives us a comfortable living without work. I shall marry a wealthy man, who is twenty years younger than you are and ten years older than I am. He has promised to give my mother a beautiful home and a large income, and we shall be very, very happy."
The colonel sat as one dazed.
Then he got up and groped around for his hat.
"Au revoir." he said as he went out.
"Why did he not say adieu," inquired the girl of herself, without eliciting a satisfactory answer.
CHAPTER II.
Reader, can you guess why the colonel said au revoir?
CHAPTER III.
You shall be told in the last chapter.
CHAPTER IV.
For two long and happy years Ernestine did not see anything of Col. D'Aubignac. It was summer, and her mother had gone to Sewickley beach for the season. One day a letter came from Ernestine's mother. It was brief and to the point. It said simply:
"I was married to-day, and myself and husband will be at home at once. Have my house opened and aired."
CHAPTER V.
Ernestine was rather pleased, because she had noticed that her mother was getting lonesome, and she loved her mother so that she could not bear the thought of her being unhappy.
CHAPTER VI.
She waited for her mother at the train.
She came and with her her husband.
When Ernestine saw him she fainted.
It was Col. D'Aubignac.
As a marryer he had knocked Ernestine clean out.—W. J. Lampton in Tid Bits.
Tale of Pure Modern Mercenary Love.
CHAPTER I.
It was evening in the home of Ernestine McGoozlam, and it was also evening in the homes of her neighbors for several miles around.
Ernestine was waiting for the arrival of Col. D'Aubignac, who, in the vocabulary of the race track, for he once owned a horse, was "aged," that is to say, gentle reader, he was past 5 years old. Indeed, he was about 47 years old and forty-seven weeks past it, but of that more anon.
Finally he came.
When the colonel came in he at once proceeded to business.
"Dearest Ernie," he remarked, with pathetic sweetness, "am I to have my answer to-night—The answer that will make me the happiest man in Pittsburg, Allegheny county, Pa.?"
"You are to have your answer, colonel," she replied, disengaging her hand, "but I can't say how happy it will make you."
"Nor can any tongue express it," he said, slapping his hand on his heart with the vehement emphasis of a trip hammer dropping on a wad of red-hot iron. "Tell it me," he continued, "tell it me!"
"You talk like a three-dollar-a-week Romeo on the variety stage, but I'll let you have it," she said. It is this: "I cannot marry you. You are not wealthy. Your pension is only $4 a month. I am not wealthy, and I have no pension. I am my mother's sole support, and the $10,000 she has in real estate gives us a comfortable living without work. I shall marry a wealthy man, who is twenty years younger than you are and ten years older than I am. He has promised to give my mother a beautiful home and a large income, and we shall be very, very happy."
The colonel sat as one dazed.
Then he got up and groped around for his hat.
"Au revoir." he said as he went out.
"Why did he not say adieu," inquired the girl of herself, without eliciting a satisfactory answer.
CHAPTER II.
Reader, can you guess why the colonel said au revoir?
CHAPTER III.
You shall be told in the last chapter.
CHAPTER IV.
For two long and happy years Ernestine did not see anything of Col. D'Aubignac. It was summer, and her mother had gone to Sewickley beach for the season. One day a letter came from Ernestine's mother. It was brief and to the point. It said simply:
"I was married to-day, and myself and husband will be at home at once. Have my house opened and aired."
CHAPTER V.
Ernestine was rather pleased, because she had noticed that her mother was getting lonesome, and she loved her mother so that she could not bear the thought of her being unhappy.
CHAPTER VI.
She waited for her mother at the train.
She came and with her her husband.
When Ernestine saw him she fainted.
It was Col. D'Aubignac.
As a marryer he had knocked Ernestine clean out.—W. J. Lampton in Tid Bits.
What sub-type of article is it?
Prose Fiction
Satire
What themes does it cover?
Love Romance
Social Manners
Commerce Trade
What keywords are associated?
Mercenary Love
Marriage Proposal
Wealth
Rejection
Twist Ending
Humor
Satire
What entities or persons were involved?
W. J. Lampton
Literary Details
Title
Knocked Out.
Author
W. J. Lampton
Subject
Tale Of Pure Modern Mercenary Love
Key Lines
"I Cannot Marry You. You Are Not Wealthy. Your Pension Is Only $4 A Month."
"Au Revoir." He Said As He Went Out.
"Why Did He Not Say Adieu," Inquired The Girl Of Herself, Without Eliciting A Satisfactory Answer.
When Ernestine Saw Him She Fainted.
As A Marryer He Had Knocked Ernestine Clean Out.